To an outsider it might appear that my day was just like any other college student. I got up, went to my morning class, grabbed lunch with a friend, went to my afternoon class, worked out at the gym, did some home work, ate dinner, chatted with friends, got a late night snack then went to bed.
But that façade was far from reality. In fact, I was struggling all day to keep my composure, and desperately trying to hide the fact that I hated myself. I had fallen into a nasty cycle. I would go to bed with my stomach filled to the brim with over 5,000 calories worth of desserts and fried foods. I would wake up ravished and hating myself for needing to eat after the type of dinner I had. So I would try to go as long as possible without eating, and aim to eat only 500 calories a day. My thought process was – if I ate over 5,000 calories yesterday, I should have enough fuel in my body to last me three days. My starvation definitely slowed my weight gain but I still inevitably gained 15 pounds in as little as three months.
The worst part was, I had absolutely no control. NONE. People would look at me like I was crazy when I told them I couldn’t stop myself from eating. Why can’t you just stop when you’re full? They didn’t understand that stuffing my face wasn’t an CHOICE for me. It was a necessity. My hands were not attached to my mind and I could only stop when I felt so full I wanted to puke. During a binge attack, half of my mind would try to reason why it was OK to eat a whole box of Oreos. The other half of my mind would hate myself and hate the fact that I had no control. There was not an ounce of compassion in my bones. I found myself devouring a whole large pizza, or three whole entrees, or an entire bag of potato chips. It’s rather astounding how much food my stomach could fit. And the greasier, cheesier or chocolaty the food was – the better.
I do not remember the exact day but I do remember the period of my life when I started having these binge attacks. I was in my second semester in college and my first real boyfriend and I broke up. I was heartbroken beyond belief and the sense of abandonment I felt was equal to the feeling I felt when I thought my father had abandoned me so many years ago. In reality, my mom divorced my father and moved us to the United States. But to a 7-year-old, all I knew was that my dad was no longer there.
My binges occurred in waves and was never severe enough that I could be officially diagnosed with a binge eating disorder. But that doesn’t take away from the gravity of my situation. My self-loathing only escalated as time after time I would find myself pigging out in front of the fridge. Friends and family tried to help but I knew how to keep my eating a secret. I constantly felt judged and shame ran deep in my veins. WHY ME?!? So many other people in this world have it worse than me, so why do I punish myself? I worried that people would think I was incapable of handing life, and in fact, I did not feel capable at all! No one understood what I was going through. I was more alone than ever. And so I ate.
I decided to start counseling a month after my first binge and 3 years later I am just STARTING to understand the triggers behind my binge. The difficulty with this type of disorder, at least for me, is that there is not one cause. A variety of different factors play into my disorder and its difficult to understand it myself, let alone describe it to others.
What I can tell you is that my binges come more often when I am insecure. When I am lonely. When I feel scared. I was forced to grow up quickly, and to protect myself I was never attuned to what I was feeling. When my boyfriend and I broke up, my heart was ripped oven and all the emotions I repressed since I was a little girl came out. And I couldn’t handle it. So I searched for something to make me feel OK again, and I found food. The feeling of fullness and heaviness was the grounding I so desperately needed. Food is a tough drug of choice because unlike alcohol, you need food to survive. I cannot abstain from food. The battle happens everyday I sit down with a plate in front of me.
In my sessions, I learned that the most important first step was to find compassion for myself. For the little girl inside me that was terrified of the world. In my seemingly endless binge cycle, it was hard to do. But I started to read books about other people with this problem and it brought comfort to know I was not alone. Slowly but surely compassion came and a few times I was even grateful for my disorder. My binges were my body’s way of telling me that I was feeling lonely, overwhelmed, powerless and abandoned. How lucky I am to have such an aware body! Now I just have to get my mind there BEFORE my body finds the need to be comforted through food.
It has been roughly 6 weeks since my last binge attack. This is the longest I’ve gone without one since my first back in early 2008. What has changed? A lot of credit has to be given to my amazing spiritual counselor. She is an amazing woman, beautiful inside and out, and has words of an angel. With her love and guidance, I have learned to be a little less judgmental. A little nicer to myself. And being nicer to myself includes working on the inner critic as well as feeding the body what it wants. I have slowly evolved my diet to include only clean foods. Foods that Mother Nature intended us to eat. I feel more energetic and whole this way. I try to avoid sugar and processed foods as much as possible. Some might see this as deprivation but for me, I do not feel deprived if I have no desire for it. I know I am better off without pesticides, hormones and trans fat in my system.
It’s been a long journey of self-hatred, self-love, suffering and compassion. And I know the journey is far from over. I am still learning how to have a normal relationship with food. I am still learning to treat my disorder as a gift from God. I am still learning that no one is perfect, no one is put together, and all we can do is the best we can at every moment. And I am still learning that self-forgiveness is the most powerful key you can hold in life.
But I also know that because of this disorder, I am stronger than ever. I have faith in life. And if the binge comes again, then so be it. I cannot be scared about the future. Life is a roller coaster and that’s what makes it exciting and livable. And as long as I open myself up to my feelings, and do not allow fear to consume me, then I know I have grown.
This was a terribly hard post to write. I have never been this open about my problem to the world. But I think I am ready. We are all imperfect beings trying to live a perfect life. Let me be the first to say – I do not wish to live the perfect life. I just wish to accept my life exactly as it is. That is the true gift of God.
Namaste.
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About Teeg
Yoga teacher and budding health coach living life happily & organically. Forever student of my meditation cushion, amateur photographer, and lover of words. Sharing my light and love to all, I have faith the universe will provide all I need at the right time. Except for chocolate... I can never get enough chocolate =)
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To an outsider it might appear that my day was just like any other college student. I got up, went to my morning class, grabbed lunch with a friend, went to my afternoon class, worked out at the gym, did some home work, ate dinner, chatted with friends, got a late night snack then went to bed.
January 22nd, 2011 at 6:13 pm
Beautifully said. And for those of us, that have lived with this disorder but NOT officially a disorder and hard to understand unless that demon of unfulfilled feelings takes over has been a part of your life. What I have recently discovered is that I used food to feel alive. Stuffed or Hungry.. that is what triggered my MIND. SO HAPPY you hit publish!You will discover YOU are NOT alone and you don't have to live like you are!
January 22nd, 2011 at 6:53 pm
thank you. seriously.. i used to have a problem with bingeing too.. i had exactly that mindset of both sides trying to justify bingeing and not bingeing.. it was horrible yet I know myself so much better than I ever thought I would.. beautiful post!
January 23rd, 2011 at 12:47 am
Wow, thank you for writing this. I've never had an eating disorder, and I'm very grateful for that. Looking back at my younger years, I think I was vulnerable and it would just have taken the wrong circumstances to push me into having one. I don't completely understand eating disorders but some of my friends are in recovery and it's helpful for me to read something as honest and poignant as this so that I can try to understand where they're coming from better. You're a strong, introspective person and I think you have the right attitude going forward. I'm not going to say good luck because luck isn't what you need–you're in control! You made the choice to go to counseling and work on it and that was just one of a million choices that puts you closer everyday to reclaiming your life!
January 23rd, 2011 at 2:26 am
Thank you for being so honest and open. this is a beautiful post, and i'm so proud of your achievements and accomplishments recently! keep up the amazing work!
January 23rd, 2011 at 4:26 am
Thank you for your honesty. The shame that comes with binging just continues the cycle. Congratulations to you for taking control.
January 23rd, 2011 at 11:09 am
wow, what a very open and honest post. I really believe that things start happening (ie, changing) when we open up in a way that says we need help, love and understanding from others. We are truly never really alone. I'm so glad you have someone to guide you through all of this.
January 24th, 2011 at 4:05 pm
This has hit home in more ways than one will ever know, I remember when I was in junior school, and was much of a loner, no one liked me and I remembered when it was there birthdays, guess who never got cake..I always use to comfort myself by saying I would bake a big and better cake when I got home and then would eat the whole thing. As I'm writting this, tears are streaming down my face. I feel so sorry for the child I was and wish there had been someone who could have helped me and stood up for me. This protection mode has never left me, it is my defence from thous children who were so mean..
January 24th, 2011 at 4:13 pm
I am sending all the love I can muster to you and to that little child inside feeling so scared and alone. You are NOT alone and if you ever do want to talk more do not hesitate to email me thaisg11@yahoo.com. Just know that you are enough just the way you are right now. You CAN handle life, even if you don't always feel that is the case <3
January 24th, 2011 at 5:58 pm
Thank u so much for your honesty and I have a lot of identification. I'm a recovering addict and when I put the drugs down I picked up the food. Over six years time I've gained 100lbs. I'm my worst critic and I can't go on like this. So now I'm addressing this issue as being an emotional eater. Thank you so much many blessings.
January 26th, 2011 at 2:38 pm
I just came across this post and the emotion it evokes is just blowing me away. Unlike you, I waited until I was 51 years old to seek therapy for this disorder. After more than a year and a half of therapy with a therapist whose philosophy is grounded in mindfulness based therapy, I am also beginning to see that identifying and facing this inner critic is the key to my being able to take care of myself without food. I am learning it is my choice to deal or not deal with this critic. I do have that capability within myself. I do have the capability to take care of myself in a way that nobody else can. Most importantly the only way I can be effective is to take care of myself with all of the compassion I can muster. Thank you for showing up on a day when I needed to hear someone else's story.
January 26th, 2011 at 2:43 pm
It's amazing how reaching out to someone can be life altering. I am so glad you finally got help – i think everyone should be required to have a therapist. We go to professionals for dieting help, training at the gym, doing our taxes and a million other things. Why, then, is our culture so against getting support for our minds? I am proud of you for your revelations as well. My heart goes out to you <3
January 26th, 2011 at 11:04 pm
This post is so thoughtful and so clearly honest. Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is thought to affect 3.5 % of women (higher than any other eating disorder). What struck me the most about your post, was how quickly you were able to reach out and ask for help. I battled this for years and years all throughout my teens and early twenties, always wondering what was wrong with me. I now honestly consider myself recovered, but know deep down that in truly vulnerable times, the urges still exist. I have found that staying in the moment, instead of worrying and succumbing to anxiety about the future, is my saving grace. It is different for everyone, and each has a unique story to tell. Thank you for sharing this one with us. xo Sumner
January 26th, 2011 at 11:37 pm
I think one of the hardest things for me (on this journey and even before) was to realize that even if I admired or was jealous of someone's body, that it wasn't the whole story. There might be something lurking under the surface — much like with you — that made them less healthier than they appeared.It helped me realize that no matter how perfect you look from the outside, everyone struggles in one way or another.But kudos for getting the help you needed, but moreso for being able to be the voice of people who aren't quite there yet.
January 27th, 2011 at 3:11 am
Amazing honesty. I am also a binger and amazingly enough just blogged about this topic today. Kudos for posting this with such brutal honesty. While I wouldn't wish this disorder on anyone, I am thankful for people like you that are willing to out yourself so that "we" can become a circle of support.I just found your blog and look forward to following you on your road towards recovery.
January 27th, 2011 at 3:37 pm
Thank you for honesty — I came here when I saw Jared's link.I don't think I ever suffered an eating disordered eating, per se, but I certainly struggled with disordered eating. I really appreciate you posting this, and I hope it not only helps you in your journey, but inspires others to get help.
January 28th, 2011 at 12:28 am
What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing your story. Binging is so difficult to control and understand. After maintaining my weight loss for 2 years I still have these attacks, its not near as bad as before but just the same out of control. Hang in there God will provide for you, but make sure you hop on when He does.
February 5th, 2011 at 3:02 am
Reading this was like hearing my own voice. Thank you for posting so honestly.
February 18th, 2011 at 10:08 pm
Beautiful post. This is so honest and heartfelt. Amazing writing. Thanks for sharing and for getting help from your counselor and God. You'll continue to do amazingly with such great support!XOXOrachel @ alive in the fire
April 25th, 2011 at 12:52 am
Beautiful post. This is so honest and heartfelt. Amazing writing. Thanks for sharing and for getting help from your counselor and God. You'll continue to do amazingly with such great support!XOXOrachel @ alive in the fire
April 25th, 2011 at 12:52 am
Wow, thank you for writing this. I've never had an eating disorder, and I'm very grateful for that. Looking back at my younger years, I think I was vulnerable and it would just have taken the wrong circumstances to push me into having one. I don't completely understand eating disorders but some of my friends are in recovery and it's helpful for me to read something as honest and poignant as this so that I can try to understand where they're coming from better. You're a strong, introspective person and I think you have the right attitude going forward. I'm not going to say good luck because luck isn't what you need–you're in control! You made the choice to go to counseling and work on it and that was just one of a million choices that puts you closer everyday to reclaiming your life!
April 25th, 2011 at 12:52 am
Beautifully said. And for those of us, that have lived with this disorder but NOT officially a disorder and hard to understand unless that demon of unfulfilled feelings takes over has been a part of your life. What I have recently discovered is that I used food to feel alive. Stuffed or Hungry.. that is what triggered my MIND. SO HAPPY you hit publish!You will discover YOU are NOT alone and you don't have to live like you are!
June 3rd, 2011 at 1:04 pm
thanks so much for this honest blogpost! i love this "I am still learning to treat my disorder as a gift from God…But I also know that because of this disorder, I am stronger than ever. I have faith in life." same with me too, my own digestive health issues have made me lean on God and made me stronger, fight harder, find hope. i need to remind myself it is a gift rather than a thorn! btw, i found you through cooking with book's FF on twitter.
mine is juniakk!
January 5th, 2012 at 9:52 pm
Thanks so much for posting this! You have no idea how sharing your vulnerabilities can help people who are in the same boat. Binging, is a vicious cycle and no one seems to want to talk about it. Your honesty helps me realize i'm not alone.