I know what you are thinking – its WEDNESDAY! Shouldn’t the Beaming Diidhiti series post have come out yesterday? (If you want to more about the series before reading on, click here for my first post about it; oh and AFTER reading this post – check out mine at Faern Works!). I know that’s what you’re going to say. But there are two reasons for my lateness. One, I was on the road for work all day yesterday and had no chance to do anything blog related. Two, Tara at Imagine Balance had a hard time writing this post. And after I read it my jaw dropped. She is really opening up here guys so let’s give her a little love and support ok?
What inspires me to get on my mat? A lot of things. Little things like music, Twitter, blogs, and reading motivate me daily to keep with my asana practice. But there’s a deeper more constant reason I practice yoga. I hate my body. It doesn’t matter what I weigh. Whenever I hit a “goal”, I lower it. I don’t like how most of my clothes fit. I compare myself unfairly to others.
There was a moment as a teen that I realized that I had a problem. I had lost a lot of weight due to be highly active and not eating healthy. A boy in one of my classes stopped me and said “You look really good today. You’re so skinny that you look anorexic.”. I heard good = skinny = anorexic. Looking back, how sad is it that the boy realized that I looked sick, but that he thought it was a good thing!
I went through another extremely rough patch in college where I got stopped eating almost completely due to depression and stress. At one point I weighted 100lbs fully dressed. I’m 5’5″. I didn’t feel too thin. How scary is that?!
Even now I obsessively count calories. I tell myself that I’m at least being healthier about it this time. I’ve raised my daily calorie limit now that I’m in a weight range I should feel comfortable in. However, I still feel insanely guilty if I go over. I keep saying I’m going to stop measuring/weighing my food. I’m going to stop counting completely. But I’m just not in a place to do that yet. Hopefully soon.
When I’m on my mat this fades away. I feel my breath. I feel my strength. I feel my flexibility. I feel my body and don’t hate it. The more I practice, the more I’m proud of what my body can do. After my practice, I stand straighter and feel more comfortable in my skin. I rejoice in my flexibility and strength. I aim to carry these wonderful traits with me as I face my body issues off the mat.
I want to love my body and yoga is slowly and surely helping me on my path to do so.
Tara is a twenty-something science nerd who loves yoga, tattoos, reading, laughing, and list-making. She likes to spoil her crazy kitten and amazing husband. When she’s not trying to learn to love veggies and pigeon pose, she’s cuddled up with a good book (most likely a snarky paranormal romance). You can find her blogging at Imagine Balance, or tweeting @ImagineBalance.
April 20th, 2011 at 1:14 pm
This is such a raw pose. Thank you for sharing that with us, Tara. I know that I have been through some body wars myself and can relate. I am so glad that the mat provides a place of acceptance and love us. Peace.
April 20th, 2011 at 4:06 pm
I love the honesty in this post. Thank you for allowing us into your life with this little piece of you! Learning to love your body is definitely a process…but you will get there if you keep trying. I was there before, and there are a few not-so-good-feeling days…but most days I do love my body…I definitely appreciate it for what it does!
April 20th, 2011 at 7:35 pm
Good post, Teeg! I am a 56 year old guy, and vegan runner. I've lost 65 pounds since last June, from 245 to 180. I have 15 more to reach my goal of 165. I'm conscious of my body as well, and want a flat stomach. But, know what? There's a little bulge there from the loose skin from when I was fat. It won't go away. So, I accept it. It's okay, and not really obvious if I'm standing up straight. But, Bravo, that your practice keeps your perspective well. Peace and Love!
April 21st, 2011 at 11:07 am
soooo many people feel the same as you do. thanks for sharing how you find some peace. lovely post!
April 21st, 2011 at 1:26 pm
Thank you Tara for your honest post! Body image is so powerful, and well frustrating. I am a bigger boned girl, was skinny for my body till junior year. Then something changed, and I have struggled with my weight ever since, yo-to dieting and all….until yoga….my life feels so different, I feel so much happier, I am getting healthy, and ditching yo-yo diets:-) What an amazing thing that yoga has brought to our lives, so beautiful!Love and Hugs,Terra
April 25th, 2011 at 12:52 am
Good post, Teeg! I am a 56 year old guy, and vegan runner. I've lost 65 pounds since last June, from 245 to 180. I have 15 more to reach my goal of 165. I'm conscious of my body as well, and want a flat stomach. But, know what? There's a little bulge there from the loose skin from when I was fat. It won't go away. So, I accept it. It's okay, and not really obvious if I'm standing up straight. But, Bravo, that your practice keeps your perspective well. Peace and Love!
April 25th, 2011 at 12:52 am
I love the honesty in this post. Thank you for allowing us into your life with this little piece of you! Learning to love your body is definitely a process…but you will get there if you keep trying. I was there before, and there are a few not-so-good-feeling days…but most days I do love my body…I definitely appreciate it for what it does!