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Easter Eggs outside of Schonbrunn Palace, Austria
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This past Sunday was Easter. A day of chocolate, bunnies, pastel colors, egg hunts, and brunch. A day commemorating the resurrection of Christ. A day of celebration (and the weather sure was celebrating with highs in the 80s!). And this got me thinking about my own religious adventures.
I was born Roman Catholic. In Brazil, who isn’t Roman Catholic? I attended private school until 2nd grade and I vividly remember being forced to sit in mass for hours upon hours. It was so boring! So I snuck out and had fun blowing out all the candles in the prayer room (sacrilegious right?!). When I moved to the United States, I befriended a lovely girl who had patience for my broken English and we instantly clicked. She was deeply rooted in her church so I went every Sunday to Sunday school with her. Where my church in Brazil was strict and stuffy, The Church of the Brethren (from what I recall) was fun; filled with Sunday school classes, and field trips. I do not remember learning much about the stories from the Bible but I do remember finding a community and a sense of belonging.
4th grade I moved to a different elementary school and stopped attending the church. By 6th grade I was longing for some spiritual connection so I found – wicca. Witchcraft. Paganism. A religion where outcasts such as myself could feel a connection with a higher power from the comforts of my own home. I had fun making my own wand and performing limited rituals. Keep in mind this is around the time Harry Potter first came out and boy did I want to become a Real Witch. Unfortunately, reality was not kind and it hit me one day that I would never be able to perform magic like the books, and wicca was quickly put in the forgotten cabinet. From that point on, pessimism sank in and I spent a good portion of my high school and college years being an anti-believer. I was too logical for religion and pft who is this God anyway? This thought was even more heavily embedded in my psyche when the twin towers were struck during my 8th grade science class. Being slightly naïve and already incredulous; I blamed the whole thing on religion.
One night in late August, a night where I deeply broken, a night that I was feeling a sense of loss so deep I no longer knew who I was, I found faith. The specificities of the events that lead to that night and the transformation that occurred is for another post, which I still, two years later, am finding difficulties writing. Nonetheless, God did not talk to me that night. There were no voices, no trumpets, and no fanfare. But there was lightness. There was love. After that point, things shifted. I found a connection to my inner divinity that had been lost in the mess of judgment, labeling and close mindedness that I was confronted with in my religious experimentations.
After that night, I was in love with God. I wanted everything to do with Him. But I did not want religion. I did not want others telling me what to believe and how to believe it. I just wanted faith. Hope. Abundance.
My parents, deep believers of self-experimentation, gave me the breathing room I needed to find my own way. To this day I am eternally grateful for their lack of meddling in my religious affairs. I think deep down they knew I would one day connect with God. And oh how I have connected! I think all religions are beautiful in its own right and I love learning about them. But because I am not vested into a religion, I have a hard time believing the “magical” components of any one particular religion. Ever since my falling out with wicca, I am slightly hesitant to open my heart to anything that seems slightly “out of this world”. Faith is a beautiful thing, and has completely changed my life. Please do not get my wrong here. But because I have been an outcast of religion for so long, I have lost (I think?) the ability to blindly follow teachings. This is why Buddhism has been the one religion to strike closest to my heart. The Buddha encouraged his followers to doubt all, to experiment everything, and to find comfort in the present moment. Sounds a lot like what I preach myself!
Am I ready to fully dedicate myself to Buddhism? Sometimes I think yes, other times I think no. We spend such a great portion of our lives fitting everything neatly into boxes; this is one aspect where I am not yet ready. I am still playing around. Finding what works and what doesn’t work in my heart. On my mother’s alter you find a picture of Jesus, the Buddha and Ganesha. DEEP DOWN, they are all essentially the same. We are all one. Do not forget that – do not close your heart and separate yourself. We are all love.
Namaste.
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About Teeg
Yoga teacher and budding health coach living life happily & organically. Forever student of my meditation cushion, amateur photographer, and lover of words. Sharing my light and love to all, I have faith the universe will provide all I need at the right time. Except for chocolate... I can never get enough chocolate =)
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April 25th, 2011 at 1:54 pm
like you, i have had the same experience.. the searching, the longing, and the desire to be a part of something bigger, but then i realized i AM part of something bigger.. lots of loves to you sunshine!
April 25th, 2011 at 2:23 pm
I've thought about writing a post similar to this
I wasn't raised in a religious home. We celebrate holidays like Easter and Christmas more as family get-togethers than a spiritual event. At this point I'm agnostic which is why I think I've been so interrested in Buddhism. The moral structure fits with how I was raised without requiring me to believe in a higher power outside of myself. However, like you, I'm hesitant to give my heart to a religion. Great post!
April 25th, 2011 at 4:11 pm
The fact that you're asking questions, searching, investigating, and exploring is a religion in itself. I think it's so important to keep living in the questions rather than just accept something because that's what you've been told is right.I know how you feel, though, about wanting ONE thing to connect to–to tell people, yes, I am spiritual, I am a (fill in the blank). It is not easy to be without a concrete label, the same way people feel when they lose a job and are no longer a "secretary" or "accountant" or "librarian." We cry so much about wanting to live without labels, but then when we ARE without them, it feels a bit uncomfortable! Great post; lots to digest.
April 25th, 2011 at 7:54 pm
it is true. we play a funny game with labels dont we?
April 25th, 2011 at 9:18 pm
This sounds so similar to my own path of enlightenment. We are all love, that's the important part. Nice post!
April 25th, 2011 at 10:21 pm
Cool Post! I'd say you have arrived. Peace and Love!
April 26th, 2011 at 2:55 am
Great post. How lucky to have parents to allow you the space to find your way. Many paths to one truth, right?