I don’t know if you’ve noticed – but I do not talk about my binges that often. In fact, I find myself writing about my body image and food issues more on guest posts than I do in my own blog. Why is that? Well, to be honest, I don’t know. Maybe I am still in denial? Maybe I do not find the subject that exciting to talk about? Since I receive such positive feedback when I DO write about it, you would think I would do it more often. But no. I would rather talk about yoga =D (and I know the pics here have little relevance to my post but.. I took them two weekends ago and I need some place to post them!)
In any case, maybe long overdue, but written nonetheless, here is an update on my binge-sodes. I was inspired by Zoe at Zoe &the Beatles to write this because she is always so dang open about her binge issues and I love her integrity and vulnerable desire to dig deep. Get messy. I wanna get messy too!!!
Since the last binge post (click here if you have NO idea I even had binges and want to read my FIRST story about it. Or click here if you want read the follow up post. Or just continue reading here. Whatever works!), I decided that diets are one of the main culprits of my binges. For me right now, the only way to not have huge 7,000-cal-in-one-sitting binge is to live a life without any deprivation. And I mean none. I can eat WHATEVER I WANT ANYTIME I WANT. Sounds fun right? Or for those with food issues, that might sound terrifying. In fact, at first it was terrifying. I have had a diet mentality since at least 6th grade. I have gone through so many different types of diets/limitations/calorie counting that it would take a whole other blog post to write them all. I cannot remember a time I was not silently counting how many calories I consumed in the day. So even though the habit is hard to die, I feel almost a sense of relief. A relief that I do not have to beat myself up about one more thing.
Now for those that have food problems, you guys know as well as I do that its not about the food. But food gives us a sense of comfort that we cannot seem to find anywhere else. So what does deprivation have anything to do with binges? Well, I myself am still trying to figure that out. It might have something to do with the fact that when you tell yourself you can’t have something – you want it all the more. By allowing myself to have it, I do not feel punished and “bad”. I am comforting and providing for myself by giving myself permission to have whatever I want. And that is one thing I know is linked to my binges – a lack of ability to comfort myself and be there for myself. Instead, I am harder on myself than anyone will ever know.
At this point some of you are thinking, “If I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted; I would only eat chocolate cake for days!” I thought the same way. I thought if I did not deprive/control/limit I would go crazy and raid the fridge like there is no tomorrow. And sometimes I do eat ice cream for dinner or one too many cheese cubes. But now that I have not been on any sort of diet for a few months I have discovered that now that I can have those “forbidden foods” I don’t actually want them. I like my whole/organic/clean diet and I like avoiding animal products. Of course I slip. All the time! But that’s not the point. The point is, by not depriving I am taking away a whole aspect of my mind. The part that is constantly putting me down for failing a diet. For not being good enough.
All this boils down to one question – HAS IT WORKED? Have I not binged? That’s all that matters right? Well, good news is I cannot remember the last time I sat in front of the fridge pigging out. I cannot remember the last time I ate a whole large pizza or a whole large bag of chips or a whole cake. That says something. I also have not gained weight since allowing myself to “eat whatever I want”. Shocker right? However, since binges are NOT about the food, I still do occasionally have them. But they are usually small. And I can usually stop it before it gets too bad (something I thought was unfathomable a year ago). I CAN STOP A BINGE. Come on; admit it – that is flipping awesome.
But here’s the catch – I haven’t been able to lose weight. I am 15 pounds above my “normal” weight and at this point there is nothing I can really do to lose it. I have no desire to become a gym junkie (exercise binge is just as bad as food binge) so I go as often as I can and do yoga everyday. But it is difficult since I refuse to go back to any dieting mentality. No I will not count my calories. No I will not limit anything. Because you know what will happen if I do? I will lose 5 pounds, and then gain 10 because of hard core binge attacks. No thanks.
SO what’s a girl to do? Be happy with where I am! That’s all I can do. And is that such a bad thing? I am 100% healthy (knock on wood), have a pretty smile (yes I just gave myself a compliment; we should do that more often!), and I can run 6 miles without stopping. I have plenty to be grateful for. And I KNOW that my lesson right now is to love what I have. All 140 pounds of it. It might not be my “regular” weight; I might cringe when I look in the dressing room mirror; I might refuse to buy jeans in this size; but I am learning. I am growing. I have a long way to go. And often times I have to just take it one day at a time. But food is becoming a less important part of my life. And someday, I will be able to look at myself in the eye, feel only love and compassion and think – I Did It.
Namaste.
April 27th, 2011 at 12:07 pm
I love your binge posts – they are so honest and real. And they probably help so many more than you'll ever know. I also struggle with food issues, am above my ideal weight, but am done with the deprivation and beating myself up. So proud of you!
April 27th, 2011 at 12:10 pm
Sounds very much like what I have read about intuitive eating and many people swear by it. I haven't tried it… don't think I can trust myself… yet. I tend to get set off by certain foods and I don't think it is the notion that I am depriving myself of them. But, I may be deluding myself about it all. Regardless, I so admire where you are. You are happy. You seem to be at peace with food. I aspire to both:) Kudos.
April 27th, 2011 at 12:51 pm
I can relate. I have that problem, too. I am an emotional eater. I eat not to be upset or stifle my emotions. Yoga has been great in helping me become a more mindful eater and stop eating pass the point of full. It is a vicious cycle binging because your body feels bad for all the food and you feel bad for feeling bad and repeat. I am so glad people are being honest about their struggles. It makes me take heart that I am not alone.
April 27th, 2011 at 1:12 pm
trust me I did not feel ready either. but i didnt see what other option i had. either i continue depriving/bingeing (which hasnt worked in the past three years) or try something radically different. sometimes you just gotta take that leap of faith <3 you have my support no matter what =)
April 27th, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Well, you know where I stand with it, and yes I won't say it enough, food has very little to do with the real issue. Knowing this is the first step!I also believe that deprivation leads to bingeing. As I wrote in my own post about my food issues, that's how it all started for me: diet, then I craved the foods I had forbidden myself to eat, and bam! I started eating all the stuff I had told myself I could not eat before.So congrats on the progress, and as for the weight, well just let things be, who knows, it might fade away little by little
April 27th, 2011 at 1:38 pm
and I was one of the ones that had not read your binge posts and am so happy you can be open and share with us about it. And so happy you have a great way of NOT counting calories (because that's ridiculous and makes me cranky if I do). Thanks for sharing
April 27th, 2011 at 2:11 pm
I have to say this, but it is not what you want to hear….you ready? When we age our bodies change, and weight shifts….blah, blah, blah right…. Soooo 15 pounds is not much, be happy with the body you have today:-) You Are Beautiful!!!Love and Hugs,Terra
April 27th, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Really lovely post – thank you for sharing! It's all such a strange and wild ride – matching the insides to the outsides – discovering our peace and acceptance. Again – thank you for inviting us along xoxo
April 27th, 2011 at 4:54 pm
"I CAN STOP A BINGE."that IS awesome. this post is awesome. YOU, my love, are awesome. talk about honest! although i (quite literally) just shifted my attitude towards food, i already feel like a huge burden has lifted. food is not the enemy. i can eat whatever i want (when i am hungry) and already i see that i don't want the "treats" ALL THE TIME. instead, i'm sitting here thinking about vegetables. hah! go figure.also, have you ever considered that, maybe, your current weight is your "happy" weight? the one we reach when we just stop trying and just start living? i'm struggling with accepting (and figuring out) mine, too. rough road but i agree — love what we currently have and BE GRATEFUL for being here at all <3
April 27th, 2011 at 5:53 pm
<333 i watch your struggle and i feel you on every bump. we can do this girl we really can.
April 27th, 2011 at 7:48 pm
This is a great post Thais…thank you for sharing!I am recovered eating disorder, I can completely relate with how you are feeling. It takes a lot for a person to accept themselves and be grateful for what they do have…this is just amazing!
April 27th, 2011 at 8:00 pm
I agree with Zoe. Maybe this IS your "regular size" – it's the size you were before that wasn't regular.
Good workin' on the self, dear!
April 27th, 2011 at 8:16 pm
So glad this approach is working for you. *hugs*
April 27th, 2011 at 8:40 pm
wow you sound so much like me it is scary. Only I am still trying to lose those last 10 lbs. Working on acceptance. Thanks for the share.
April 27th, 2011 at 9:58 pm
I've missed you on twitter the last few days- I haven't been on much. Thought I'd stop by to say hi! Congrats on being able to stop a binge! That's huge progress:)
April 28th, 2011 at 12:44 am
I gained 5 or so pounds after my monthlong YTT even though I was doing yoga every day and eating the healthiest foods from the Kripalu cafeteria. Our instructors told us that may happen and to see it as our "expanding consciousness."
So in that time when I came home and had trouble fitting in my jeans, I told myself it was because I was busting at the seams with more prana. Perhaps your "extra" 15 pounds is just the energetic lifeforce you are cultivating from your consistent yoga practice! 
April 28th, 2011 at 1:59 am
Yeah girl! This post is awesome. Keep processing all of these things and digging for the underlying reasons/influences on your binges. You have come so far and are doing so well! It also sounds like you're accepting and understanding of the fact that you are HUMAN and will have fall backs–they're inevitable for everyone!!Keep taking care of yourself girly!
April 28th, 2011 at 9:48 pm
Such an open and honest post. You are rockin' it girl! I had to learn long ago that deprivation isn't the way to go either… life was miserable that way. Moderation is key and so is taking time to notice when we slip-up a little and realize it's not the end of the world. I agree with other posters as well, maybe this is the real you and not the other size.
<3
May 4th, 2011 at 8:54 pm
I'm getting there slowly. I've stopped saying I can't have this or that. But I still count calories. I don't freak as much if I go over. I'm actually more concerned if I'm under too often (which is a lot of why I count calories).Thank you for the honest post!