Hi everyone!! Thank you for bearing with me whilst I reorganize myself after my slight meltdown over the loss of my laptop. More importantly, thank you ALL for such warm support and love. I am ever so lucky to have such a beautiful group of readers <3 Unfortunately I do not think I will be able to proceed with the Oct Photo Challenge. To be honest I am not in a very good place to conform to someone else’s theme. Maybe I will pick up where I left off a little bit later because I was enjoying the game. It’s just not the right time at this moment.
As I have been going through my grieving process, I attempted to be as aware as possible of how I was handling the situation as well as observe the sort of support and advice others gave me. We all have ways of grieving and most of us are skilled at not allowing ourselves to truly feel the loss. Notice the verbs most people associate with grief – dealing with grief, coping with grief, etc. But one hardly ever hears the phrase “being with grief” because quite frankly we do not want to feel something so painful. We do anything to pretend we are not hurt inside and use defenses to ensure we will not be hurt again. This reaction to protect ourselves is completely natural and in some cases, necessary for survival.
So we “deal” with loss by getting angry, or denial, or blame. We close our hearts. And in fact, we are encouraged to do this by those around us. When my coworkers heard about my computer crash, a few didn’t even acknowledge the situation while others took an alternative angle and teased me about it. When I told my friends, some attempted to rise anger out of me, some rationalized what I should do next, and others told me to “let it go, everything happens for a reason”. Not only are these good indicators of how they probably handle loss themselves, but it also shows how hard it is for others to be with your loss.
It is vital to really allow ourselves to bear the burden of sadness when we lose something or someone Not deal or cope with it but BE with grief. When we give space to that hole in our heart and fill ourselves with compassion, we can begin to heal. It’s so intimidating to do this!!! Yet, if we never allow ourselves that process, we cannot fully be present when the people around us are in pain. We use the same defenses we use to protect ourselves to block ourselves from connecting with others. Does that make sense? If we deny our pain, we will most likely deny other’s pains and/or advise them to deny their own pain. How can we truly love and be loved if we are so cut off? When people are hurting, all they want is for someone to acknowledge their sadness as valid. We cannot give this to others, however, if we do not give it to ourselves. And that is why learning how to be with our feelings by generating self compassion is key to awakening to life. On a side note, it is important to “let go” of our grasp of the past eventually but this will happen organically as you feel your empty heart. Forcing yourself to let go of a loss prematurely through rationalization, denial, or however else, is just a defense that will keep you hurting for a lot longer.
So despite losing a year’s worth of work related material, amongst other things, my computer crash enabled me the opportunity to truly investigate loss. Please keep in mind I am not saying any of this is a bad thing, I just want to share my observations of what I noticed happening around me during this past week.
How do you BE with grief?
PS – I received a comment from a friend basically asking how dare I compare the death of a computer to “true” grief that one experiences such as the loss of a loved one or a relationship. Well, I want to make clear I am not saying that my computer grief is nearly on the same scale as losing someone. What I am saying is that no matter what we lose, whether it be your favorite gadget or your spouse, the way you live with is worth noting. And no matter what you lose in life, it’s important to feel it. Every time we hurt, we tap into that wounded place in our hearts. Even something small such as a mean comment from our coworker can be used as a tool for opening our hearts to compassion and love. To be honest, I feel rather blessed that this computer thing happened to me because it IS such a small incident in the grand scheme of things that I was able to observe my behavior and how I reacted to my pain on a level I could grasp. So when life presents itself with an even bigger heartbreak, I have the tools and awareness to get through it with grace.
Namaste.
October 24th, 2011 at 7:27 pm
Grief is grief. It doesn't matter the source. I love though how you are applying your yoga to this whole thing and exploring just being with your emotions and how attached we are to our attachments. Forget about the October Photo Challenge. There is plenty of time for that stuff.
October 24th, 2011 at 10:09 pm
Exactly. Grief is grief. It doesn't matter whether someone else thinks your grief is valid or whether they think one type of grief is more important than another kind. Grief is a feeling you must process with the open heart your talk about. I remember Aadil Pakivala giving a speech about Yoga being a preparation to deal with all the deaths, both small and large, personal and impersonal that we experience in life. It doesn't matter the place we are holding, if we can learn to surrender and accept with love whatever arises.
October 27th, 2011 at 11:59 pm
Such important topics-grief, letting go, denial, validation. There is always a question of relativity as well, and the fact that feeling loss is a fundamental human situation. Each situation probably has tentacles to another, hence someone can become inordinately upset over losing say, a Chanel handbag. WHAT!! We'd say. Quit bitching about something you're so spoiled and privileged to own etc etc…but things are symbols too. It isn't that simple. This was posted a day before my divorce mediation. My loss of my husband, vision for the future, identity as a wife and my trust seemed to happen in a blink of an eye. I discovered the loss via email, along with refusal to discuss, papers already filed. Of course it didn't happen in an instant, but he'd been concealing the unraveling and decieving me so it seemed sudden me. There are so many things I can point to that I lost. 5 facets of security, 9 perfectly good years of my life believing what turned out to be a lie, my dignity, so many friends. To lose someone this swiftly is so inorganic, and the grieving process is anything but linear. I have a computer FULL of beautiful photos that have LOST their meaning. Somewhere in my heart, I realize that my loss may seem as benign to some as losing a computer may seem to others. Likewise, 4 months ago I might have flipped out for a week if my computer died without backup….it would have seemed that important THEN without the backdrop of losing my husband to put it in perspective. Yet many say to me "oh why the long face, it's for the BETTER, you're so much better off". What I'm desperately trying to grasp is that our losses are all important yet always potentially less significant compared to another situation. It's all valid, and it all sucks. Thanks for making me think….i'm trying.
October 27th, 2011 at 11:59 pm
Wow thank you for sharing Christine. I can feel your pain and deep sense of loss from your words. I know it means very little to say "things will get better", but i will say it anyway because no one can deny the powerful healing that comes with time. These huge shake ups do not happen frequently in our lives, so when they do, it gives us a special opportunity to re-evaluate our lives. And more importantly, to really FEEL the loss and spend time nurturing our hearts. You will get through this stronger than ever. I just hope you know you are completely entitled to every feeling you have. And you know I am always here to listen. To love you. To send you courage to get through this time. <3333
October 28th, 2011 at 11:31 pm
Hi Thais- I have been going through grieving recently myself as well… I feel it so strongly in my heart… hugs to you my friend as we sit, be, and face our grief… <3 yoginibunny