I have a really hard time loving myself. When people tell me to have compassion for myself, I always think it sounds too idealistic. I mean, when I am lonely or sad, the last thing I can do is generate love for myself. When I am hurt or angry or judgmental or any other negative feeling, if i think “come on T just love yourself and it will get better. I love me. I love me” I do not feel authentic. When I look in the mirror and hate what I see I feel guilty for hating what I see, so I try to repeat a few times how beautiful I am, hoping to no longer hate what I see. But no matter how many times I say it, it doesn’t sound real. There’s no love behind the phrase. And plus, how can I love something I find so many flaws with?
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| little me |
But I know that it’s only by loving yourself completely that change can happen. Only through love does growth flourish. So I have been endeavoring down the path of compassion and struggling because for the longest time I had no idea HOW to start generating self love. Even doing metta meditation didn’t help. Sure I’d feel love for myself and others for that 15 minute practice, but after I got off the cushion I was back to that inner dialogue and tough attitude towards the self.
Well, I know I talk about Tara Brach a lot, but really she has slowly been changing my life. And something I started learning with her is that I can begin to love myself by simply saying yes to whatever comes up. Rather than force myself to generate fuzzy feelings towards my negative side, she has shown me that I can just accept that I am having a negative moment and really pay close attention to that moment. That distinction makes ALL the difference. The thought process I was tangled in is a lot like – “oh I’m mad. I really shouldn’t be mad because of this, this and this. Gosh what’s wrong with me why do I get mad so easily? Look I can’t even be mad without judging myself for being mad!” But with some training it’s starting to become more like - ”Oh I’m mad. Hm, I’m mad. That’s interesting. What does being mad feel like? Hot, compressed chest, shaking, etc. Ok, I am ok. This is ok. Breathe”.
As you can see, when I feel uncomfortable, nervous, lonely, any emotion that makes my mind go crazy with contradictions and judgments, I bring attention to my body (what does my chest feel like? how is my breath?), start labeling my emotions, and then think “this too”. There is no “bad” or “wrong” thought, because all thoughts lead to others which lead to others and before you know it you’re in a completely different mindset. We are a constant stream of change. So rather than getting caught up in the wrongness of my feeling, I just spend time breathing into it and accepting it all.
I am not purposely trying to generate love. I am not trying to pretend all is well and I love the feeling of anger. Rather, I am learning to be ok with everything and anything. This open acceptance is something I can handle. And by saying yes to everything I feel, I am starting to feel YES for my very existence. Being in the moment, living in the now, rather than caught up in the mind, is the true path of transformation. Maybe I don’t love myself fully yet. But that is ok. It’s all ok.
Namaste.
November 14th, 2011 at 12:04 pm
Wow, thank you for this post. I definitely always find negative in me, get angry easily, and I do get upset at myself when I get upset. I would love to learn more about Tara Brach, she sounds wonderful! Really beautiful post! Love and Hugs, Terra
November 14th, 2011 at 2:45 pm
GREAT post, Teeg! You are so transparent with your life, and that transparency truly helps those of us who hold back. Girl, you were born perfect! Think about it. You were. You came into this world not lacking anything. Heck, you already have all the knowledge of the entire Universe within you. Life is just a process of waking-up to it. But, yes, you ARE worthy of love: from others and especially from others. One saying I have heard went like this: you can't love someone else until you love yourself first. You're okay, Teeg – you're okay. Namaste!
November 14th, 2011 at 9:12 pm
Oh mama, this post made me so sad and so happy at the same time. First off, um, hi, is this me?
I totally do this too. "Look I can't even be mad without judging myself for being mad!"You are such a beautiful spirit on an amazing journey, and I'm always impressed by your wisdom through it all. Your practice of presence is powerful, and I LOVE (yes, there's that word again) how authentic you are to how you are truly feeling. You're more than ok, Ms T., you're amazing.
November 14th, 2011 at 11:47 pm
Say Yes to saying Yes! Loved this post. It's easy to say yes to life when it's doing what you want, but saying yes when it's feeling crap is harder! All we can do is accept life, whatever it looks like, and that allows the space for the issue to come up, rather than stuffing it down with nos and fake yeses. ps. I really like your blog and love getting notifications saying you've posted something
November 15th, 2011 at 1:54 am
Thank you Ricky for reading my posts and for such beautiful comments!!
November 15th, 2011 at 1:55 am
Thanks Jade you are too sweet =) its because of readers like you that inspires me to write.
November 15th, 2011 at 1:24 pm
It's a journey and it sounds like you're headed in the right direction. and as you learn to love and accept yourself we will be sending you lots of love and acceptance!
November 15th, 2011 at 10:29 pm
You can´t imagine how much I miss the girl of these photos. The little girl, the little princess I once had close to the eyes, close to the heart. Papai