Before I begin I want to thank Yoga Dork for publishing my post ~~ Top Ten Yoga Cue Translations: Flutter My What?
What an honor to write for such a wonderful blog!
And now back to my previously scheduled programing.
I am back on the hunt for a new place to live. And with this new transition, a lot of doubt, questions, fear, anxiety and trepidation has sunk in. I feel like a deer caught in headlights, everywhere I go I am asked what my next step is and I have absolutely no idea what to say.
In a lot of ways I am pretty content with my life. I love my commute (or lack thereof), my yoga community (and wonderful relationship with my yoga studio), and the people in my life. I can easily visit my parents and my pup, something I struggled with when I studied in Boston. And although my job does not pay nearly enough, it covers my bills and gives me the flexibility I need to pursue my desire to enter the wellness realm. Considering that this time last year was a pretty low point for me, I am entering this winter strongly and securely.
Until I was asked to move out. Now I am starting to question my foundation. I am beginning to feel like there is something wrong with my contentment. I am only 22 years old, I’m supposed to want to move around, get a big job, travel the world, and do all these crazy things. And a part of me REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to do those things. I want to move to New York City. I want to work for a big company and make enough money that I do not have to constantly check my account to make sure I’m not overdrawn. I want to travel Southeast Asia and live out of a backpack for a few months. I want to take a million certifications and continue to learn all I can about yoga, nutrition, wellness, etc. All those things sound pretty enticing.
However, I also LOVE where I’m at. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am starting to really find myself. I have accumulated a network of people that support me and through that love I am finally able to support myself.
So you see, I am juggling two ideas. Two powerful forces. And contentment was winning, until now. Now, I am clueless. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be pursuing. Where I am supposed to go.
A part of me wants to continue being happy with where I am. But its hard when our culture frowns upon the idea of not constantly doing. What happens when the desire to be is stronger than the desire to do? Does that mean we are failures of society? Or does it mean that we are finally proving to the world that happiness can be found not by attaining titles, money, or any other THING, but rather sitting back and living with full presence? And the other part of me is frustrated by my lack of money and unhappiness at a job does not support my wellness goals…
Is my lack of doing actually just fear of adventuring out of my comfort zone? Is my inability to act a paralysis disguised as contentment?
A beautiful blogger wrote about the power of silence. She eloquently states “In the Silence, I can hear myself. I can hear the bit that knows, but that gets drowned out by the bit that thinks”.
I think the only one that can provide the answer I am looking for, is inside. Which is scary for me. Because I am used to forcing myself through life. Now that a big decision is looming in the future, can I invite it to tea and not feel that I am doing something wrong because I am not actively pushing myself?
GOSH DARN IT LIFE IS CONFUSING.
November 16th, 2011 at 12:52 pm
I so all does come down to what makes you happiest, and keep in mind even that will change. I'm a big believer in destiny, that things happen at a certain time for a reason – so I tend to work with the cards that are dealt to me at the time. The all you need is inside you idea is kind of illustrated by a favorite quote from Alfred Hitchcock when asked if he enjoyed making movies – he said – No by that time I've already created all the scenes and the perfecct movie in my mind, the rest is just work
November 16th, 2011 at 1:44 pm
Thais- Go now! You are standing on the edge of a cliff over the ocean and you can either take the leap into the unknown or go running back to the safe and comfortable village you've always known. That village is a wonderful one, but t's not going anywhere. I guarantee you it will be waiting with open arms if and when you are ready to return. Find an ashram to visit or study at. Take that trip to India. We need to seek in order to find. You are 22, with your entire world before you. I can tell you this which I know for sure: you will never regret branching out and experiencing the growth that lies before you, but you would always wonder "what if" if you don't. Jump. Jump off that cliff and let the transformation begin.
November 16th, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Don't be afarid to go,many adventures await you,and the best part is,you can always come back to this safe spot. Im 28, a couple of years ago I moved out to CO for awhile. Now,I'm back here,home. If I had never gone,I would've always stayed here,in my bubble,not knowing there were bigger things out there for me. Now that I've spent some time home,I am thinking about bigger adventures again. Don't sette for your life,there are many points of happiness in many different places. Go find them and live!!!
November 16th, 2011 at 3:29 pm
You have obviously discovered this one: "Or does it mean that we are finally proving to the world that happiness can be found not by attaining titles, money, or any other THING, but rather sitting back and living with full presence?" You say…"I'm supposed to…" And that is according to who/what? I'm 56 years old and live in the same town I was born in. I'm more content than I've ever been in my life. I didn't go to Southeast Asia; I didn't sit in a cave, but for the cave within that I've been in through meditation. You also state: "For the first time in my life, I feel like I am starting to really find myself." Well, hooray for you! So, if you're finding yourself, then what will be in Southeast Asia or New York that you've not found? There's an old saying: "The only zen you'll find at the top of the mountain is the zen you take with you." You're only 22, and that's cool. Nothing negative with going backpacking through Southeast Asia or living in New York City. Thing is, Teeg, you answer your own questions – there is no need to "wonder". Another saying: "That which you seek, you already have." You awaken to your natural happiness and contentment: it's been there all along. Then, it does not matter where you are physically, you won't lose it once you wake to it, and new experiences will serve only to reinforce that which is already your treasure. Namaste!
November 16th, 2011 at 3:51 pm
"Un-sheltered" joins "unfed" "unemployed" and "unloved" as fundamental human situations from which to grow. I have all the faith in the world that you will carry home-in-your heart to wherever life may lead (echoing Ricky here), and do very so well too. The force be with you, along with our love.
November 16th, 2011 at 4:45 pm
OH man, girl, I hear you! I just started working with a life coach myself (SO exciting), and when asked by my friends what exactly she does, I struggled for a second to answer…goal-setting? Yes, kind of. Helping me organize ideas? Sure that will come. But then it hit me that her real purpose was to give me the tools to get the clutter out of my head, ground myself, and reconnect with my higher self (yes she's a spiritual healer too!) to, as you said, find the answers myself!You don't need a life coach to tell you that, T – looks like you already know it. Now just to get to that quiet place…and let the answer come
.P.S. HOW MUCH DID I LOVE YOUR YOGADORK POST! So much I used all caps, and I don't do that often. You're getting linkback love on that fo sho!
November 16th, 2011 at 4:57 pm
MPowell – There is nothing wrong to listen before acting…it avoids so much detour.Why not be content and grounded, it creates roots so we can reach out to the sky…Nothing great happens overnight…a big tree takes years to grow…and what a shelter provides…be ware of illusions: they glitter…they are are pretty…and many times they are just that…nothing inside….you get the picture???
November 17th, 2011 at 5:54 am
i swear to god there is something about being 22 and finding yourself. you totally just wrote my life! hah. i feel like i need to move but i also feel like i love where i am at right now. yet, i am being patient because i know the right time will come for me to move. so instead of forcing it, i am just enjoying the right now and simply waiting on the inner cue to move. i know it will come. just as i'm sure you'll know when yours comes, too.
November 19th, 2011 at 10:38 pm
You definitely should go to Southeast Asia and live out a backpack for a few months. Then, take lots of pictures and blog about it
That's awesome that they published your post.
November 19th, 2011 at 11:29 pm
Thais – As a 40's-something yogini – my advice to you is to do that traveling and exploring now. You have your entire life to settle down and get comfortable. And – don't worry so much about the big job, the big money – that can bring a lot of stress and icky stuff with it. Follow your heart and it will take you where you need to go! When I was closer to your age and had a break in between jobs I grabbed a back pack and traveled around Europe by myself. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.
November 21st, 2011 at 5:34 am
Totally agree with what the others are saying!! Follow your heart and definitely travel now before you get bogged down with life's big commitments. You are awesome and totally deserve it