I have been a very busy lady. I work 9-5pm at my desk job. I also work two nights a week as a staff at my yoga studio. Additionally, I have a newfound desire to pick up running again so I’ve been incorporating it into my weekly routine. I am participating in the 21 day yoga challenge at my studio. On top of all that, I do the best I can to make time to write (in my journal and on my blog), meditate, and read the four books that are currently open next to my bed.
Like I said, VERY busy. I often do not come home until 9ishpm and by that time I’m too tired to do much but read and sleep. Nonetheless, despite my occasional complaints, I really love being active. It serves my monkey mind. Plus I’m doing things I love. There’s no such thing as too much yoga!To add to my plate, I was accepted into the mentorship program at my studio which means every Wednesday I shadow one of my teachers in her relax and restorative class. For my first class, my teacher asked that I just practice along with the other students in order to get a feel for what the class entails.
For the next hour we did a total of five “poses” including savasana. Each pose was propped by a bolster which enabled our bodies to just melt and supposedly relax. Many would find this an ideal class to let go the stresses of the day. Not for me. For me, it was torturous.
I guess I didn’t realize that I have been keeping myself super busy in order to not allow the shadows of my heart to make its way through. By finally slowing down, I gave life a chance to catch up with me. My fears, stresses, worries; everything came flooding to me in waves of sorrow. We store a LOT of crap in our bodies and slowly stretching it while connecting with the breath enables all the gunk to be released. I didn’t like it one bit.
At one point, I realized just how closed off my heart is. I felt the layers upon layers of protection and how it’s been closing me off from people. It hit me that I have been using busyness as a defense; a way to not engage in the hurts and fears I have been carrying. WOW. Big juicy stuff right there!
I left the class in a daze. The worse part of the whole experience is that I know that it’s that sort of class I need the most. This defense will not serve me. It’s time to let that go. It’s time to find grace in stillness. Question is, can I?
Namaste.
January 14th, 2012 at 1:05 pm
I've done restorative, but I'm not the biggest fan. If given the chance, I would prefer a slow flow or a yin class. Restorative puts me to sleep and not in a meditative way. I did a restorative intensive once and it was very relaxing, but I think I think of yoga as a more physical experience than that. Maybe it's something I should word on?
January 14th, 2012 at 2:39 pm
We cannot do this work alone…we need to be surrounded by a helper and peers who understand what you are going through…
January 14th, 2012 at 7:59 pm
Yup, isn't it amazing how skilled our minds are at finding ways to hide those places we need to work on amidst all of the inner work we're always trying to do.I teach relax & renew specifically because of my experience as a person with ADHD. I hated, HATED, resting poses. 15 years ago, I was one of those people who would leave class when sivasana started. It was too hard to face the stuff my mind churned up when I had no physical aspects to focus on. I could do moving meditation or single-pointed focus, but give me an open space and I'd cower inside.Once I surrendered into that resistance, I found a bunch of crud, of course, that I was hiding from myself. But, I also found this limitless pool of love and patience underneath.Finding stillness on the mat, without avoiding it by moving or falling asleep or allowing thoughts to stir, has made it easier to take that off the mat. It's this stillness that allows me to live mindfully.I hope you find a similar transformation. I feel certain you will find something juicy and good that you need. You're further along the path than I was when I had to face the "dreaded restorative."
January 14th, 2012 at 8:00 pm
Yup, isn't it amazing how skilled our minds are at finding ways to hide those places we need to work on amidst all of the inner work we're always trying to do.I teach relax & renew specifically because of my experience as a person with ADHD. I hated, HATED, resting poses. 15 years ago, I was one of those people who would leave class when sivasana started. It was too hard to face the stuff my mind churned up when I had no physical aspects to focus on. I could do moving meditation or single-pointed focus, but give me an open space and I'd cower inside.Once I surrendered into that resistance, I found a bunch of crud, of course, that I was hiding from myself. But, I also found this limitless pool of love and patience underneath.Finding stillness on the mat, without avoiding it by moving or falling asleep or allowing thoughts to stir, has made it easier to take that off the mat. It's this stillness that allows me to live mindfully.I hope you find a similar transformation. I feel certain you will find something juicy and good that you need. You're further along the path than I was when I had to face the "dreaded restorative."
January 14th, 2012 at 8:02 pm
Yup, isn't it amazing how skilled our minds are at finding ways to hide those places we need to work on amidst all of the inner work we're always trying to do.I teach relax & renew specifically because of my experience as a person with ADHD. I hated, HATED, resting poses. 15 years ago, I was one of those people who would leave class when sivasana started. It was too hard to face the stuff my mind churned up when I had no physical aspects to focus on. I could do moving meditation or single-pointed focus, but give me an open space and I'd cower inside.Once I surrendered into that resistance, I found a bunch of crud, of course, that I was hiding from myself. But, I also found this limitless pool of love and patience underneath.Finding stillness on the mat, without avoiding it by moving or falling asleep or allowing thoughts to stir, has made it easier to take that off the mat. It's this stillness that allows me to live mindfully.I hope you find a similar transformation. I feel certain you will find something juicy and good that you need. You're further along the path than I was when I had to face the "dreaded restorative."
January 14th, 2012 at 11:19 pm
I've only taken one restorative class and had practically the exact same experience. I was LOSING MY MIND just laying there. On top of it, it was a 9:30AM class after a night where I hardly slept. I left the class feeling ready to go to bed when instead I had to go to work. BAH. Here's hoping we both can find some joy in it!
January 15th, 2012 at 12:24 am
Is the question truly "can I"? Or, is it "will I"? Namaste!
January 15th, 2012 at 11:55 pm
Agreed! I know you can do it T – and am rooting for you to make it happen!
January 16th, 2012 at 3:49 pm
YES! It's easy to do what feels good and makes us happy, but sometimes in order to shift our lives and open up to it all we have to go into what doesnt make us feel so good -)
January 16th, 2012 at 3:50 pm
It helps to know I am not the only one who finds it difficult. Thank you Zoie for giving me hope. I will continue to work through this. I know it will only help me in the long run!
January 16th, 2012 at 3:51 pm
Thanks guys for the faith!! I am certainly going to do the best I can!
January 16th, 2012 at 3:55 pm
I think things come to us when we are ready for them…obviously you are ready now for this realization. It doesn't mean you have to act on it or that you have anything you need to fix. Now you know yourself a bit better. When you know yourself you have the option to participate in the changes of your life. Good for you!
January 16th, 2012 at 4:51 pm
I teach Anjali Restorative. We do 9 poses and I do a guided meditation the whole time. I love the way the Anjali class is set up as it allows the body to rest but also gives the mind something to focus on (or not) so that the stirring of the chaos and anxiety isn't provoked. Not to say that stuff doesn't come up for people, of course it does but having a voice to call you away from the spiral really makes a difference.
January 16th, 2012 at 4:58 pm
OH, yes. You CAN. Question is, Will you? xoxoR
January 16th, 2012 at 5:58 pm
There may be some truth about using busyness as a defense but then again it sounded like you were enjoying everything you were "busy" doing. Sometimes we get so energized and stoked on our potential that we really do take on the world. That is not a defense but simply riding the momentum you've created in your life. Sounds like you're doing everything right. Enjoy the restorative times as well as the busy times.
January 16th, 2012 at 10:50 pm
Wow what an opportunity! Inbetween everything I'm sure you can find the stillness
January 17th, 2012 at 12:38 am
I am a huge fan of restorative yoga, so I am very happy for you at this time. I tell this to people and they kind of laugh, thinking that I am not challenging myself. Sure, physically the poses are not extremely challenging for me right now, but the mental challenge is so much more. Calming the mind is so important here… and yes, opening your heart to those things you've been hiding from with the go go go attitude! I think you're going to love it hun! <3
January 17th, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Your post really made me smile as it reminded me of exactly what I felt the first time I tried restorative. Always being on the go, I was SO resistant to it, only wanting to practice dynamic classes until… I got it. I realised that restorative was exactly what I needed at that time. (And actually what I still need.) I have become such a fan of it that I am doing the Relax and Renew training with Judith Hanson Lasater when she comes over to the UK in couple of months time. I echo YogiCrystal and Zoie wholeheartedly. And I am sure you will find grace in the stillness :) xo
January 17th, 2012 at 5:31 pm
Thank you for your faith!! I will be sure to keep at it =)
January 17th, 2012 at 5:31 pm
hmm interesting! something I will definitely take into account as I start planning my own restorative classes thanks Tali!
January 17th, 2012 at 5:40 pm
i suggest you do restorative at least once a week. i have to go once a week, to really quiet my mind and let myself reflect. i always want a firey class, so going to restorative really requires me to surrender into the moment, and breathe with my thoughts. i know you how you act, very internal, so get on those bolsters and let it out, girl! especially those hip-opening restoratives…. ow ow! let the flood gates open! xo
February 16th, 2012 at 2:22 pm
I liked that!