The other night I got home from yoga class and I was LIVID. I could taste the hot anger in my mouth, my mind burned with angry thoughts and I just wanted to slam things around. To the say the least I was not a happy camper. There’s not only thing I could attribute to this anger, I guess it was just a culmination of things.
I had nothing to do that night so I decided to simply allow myself time to wallow. I furiously scribbled in my journal all my hateful thoughts such as how tired I am of being the doormat and always being the nice one and letting things go and forgiving and you know what I DON’T WANT TO FORGIVE. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE BIG PERSON. I couldn’t even read any words of wisdom from my Buddhist teachers; I didn’t want to not be angry.
I breathed through the anger, feeling it curse through my veins, making no attempt to get rid of it. In fact, I made myself think all the angry thoughts I could muster. I delved pretty deep and I gave myself permission to be as angry as I wanted.
In the morning when I woke up I felt – light. As I was getting ready for work I realized the reason I’ve been feeling so annoyed and frustrated at my parents the past two weeks is because they’re the only ones I feel I can let my anger out on. Rather than sitting with my anger I’ve been suppressing it, and as you know, energy that is suppressed will find it’s way out somehow.
I’ve been hurting the people I love because of this silly idea that I “shouldn’t” feel angry. You know, because I have so much to be grateful for, my life is so so sweet, blah blah blah. Well you know what, being angry is normal and DEFINITELY a part of our spiritual practice. Being angry does not mean we’re bad or whatever other thoughts you associate with it. It’s part of being human.
However, it’s one thing when you’re angry and attempt to work through it by feeling into it, etc, and another thing when you start taking it out on yourself and others. THAT’S where the true practice comes in. Learning to be ok with everything that arises and allowing it to arise is what enables you to not then take it out on the people you love.
Because I processed my anger, I was able to relate to the situation that sparked my anger in a more calm way. Not to say I became a door mat by any means, but I was able to then express my disappointment with respect to life.
And as you all know, life goes on.
And as you all know, life goes on.
February 5th, 2012 at 2:02 am
I've said it before, and I'll say it again – I LOVE your honest approach to life. Your humanity is your gift, my sweet friend!
February 6th, 2012 at 6:51 pm
It is soo natural to have angry days. Good on you for letting yourself sit with it and process it. You are so brave!
February 6th, 2012 at 9:32 pm
ahh…i've been tapping into my anger storages, too. or, rather, attempting to recover them. for so long i wanted only to be nice, to appreciate, to float through the day without a single angry thought or emotion. i'm only coming into the realization that that's not right. we're human. we feel for a reason. feeling out your anger is a good thing. it releases, opens space. happy you found your anger and experienced it!
February 10th, 2012 at 11:12 pm
In deep self-acceptance grows a compassionate understanding. As one Zen master said when I asked if he ever gets angry, 'Of course I get angry, but then a few minutes later I say to myself, 'What's the use of this,' and I let it go.'Jack Kornfield<3