Yesterday marked a pretty big day for me. Yesterday, I bought not just one but TWO pairs of jeans.
That may not sound like a big deal for you, but to me it was HUGE. HUGE. Bigger than huge.
You see, I haven’t gone jean shopping since 2009 when I first started on this weight gain trend. I’ve been wearing my mom’s hand me downs because I refused to buy pants that weren’t a size four or six. That was MY size. And I was not going to buy pants that was a size bigger because I was going to lose this weight. My binge eating disorder was going to disappear. My life would go back to the neat little box I had planned for myself.
Well clearly that didn’t happen. Over two years later here I am, 20 pounds heavier than I ever thought I was going to be, only 4 pair of pants to my name, and although I am physically stronger than I’ve ever been in my entire life, I am not anywhere close to the size I used to be.
It’s tough. It’s very very tough to go shopping for clothes when you’re in denial. When you think that this problem that you’ve been living with for almost five years is going to melt away and take the pounds with it.
Not only has my body image and disordered eating problems NOT disappeared, but it’s very much a part of my daily struggle. Every time I eat, every time I move my body and feel it’s heaviness, every time I put on clothes that used to fit me differently, every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded that I am in still attached to this idea of what my body should be rather than face the truth.
And what’s the truth you may ask?
The truth is, I am beautiful. I am perfect. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Fashion does not define me. More importantly, a number on a pair of pants NOR a number on scale define me.
My weight is not all of who I am.
I am SO much more.
So I decided it’s about time I accepted where I am in my life and that at least for now I am not going to be losing these 20 pounds anytime soon.
So I went to Express. I walked up to these cute pair of jeans, chose a few sizes and went to the dressing room. Size four, doesn’t even go up my calf. Size six, doesn’t go past my knees. Size eight, doesn’t go past my thighs. Size ten, ok. Size twelve, perfect.
Tears came to my eyes as I stared in the mirror, torn between the twelves and the tens. I gave myself some time to pout. Then the song Domino played through my head and I stared into my eyes in the mirror and sang
“I’m feeling sexy and FREEEE”
My body is awesome thank you very much. Nothing, including my own mind, will get in the way of my heart tenderly starting to fall in love with it’s home.
I decided to grab the size tens. Maybe I’m not fully ready to be out of denial. I’ll get there.
Namaste.
beautifully said, T. <3
oh, love. you don't know how much i resonate with this. same situation. same denial, frustration, tears. the good thing that came from not wanting to wear jeans is how much i've fallen in love with skirts and dresses. the hidden femininity has come out. discomfort forced me to dress in different ways because, yes, i did not want to go up and up and up in pants size. but i am finding comfort in clothing that used to be uncomfortable. weird trade up. still, i applaud you for challenging yourself, for taking the strides towards greater self-acceptance, even when those steps are wobbly and difficult to land.
I was talking w/ fellow group fitness instructors and not surprisingly we all have our own body image issues. We stand up in front of our students and we know they're looking to us to be the example. To be the perfect physical specimen they want to become. And I confess to thinking the same thing when I'm on the other side of the classroom. It's wrong and I know it but I can't shake the pressure off of my shoulders. Others look at me and they wish they could be my size while here I am struggling and stressing out over every single thing I'm putting in my mouth. It's not the kind of life I want to live! I'm at the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life and I need to embrace that. Thanks, T, for your incredibly honest post. We should really meet up soon.
T, I just wanted to check in and say that I SO HEAR you on this…isn't it funny how jean size speaks so highly to where we are with our self-image? I too was in denial and did not jean shop for years…in fact, I'm still not much one to wear pants (ha! I'm not naked, just like dresses), but I'm finally coming to terms with being OK with the size I am now. So you rock those new jeans girl!